Supreme mistake

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Even the Supreme Court is against the voters.

Yesterday, they made a formal announcement about the request from Attorney General Lisa Madigan to strip helmet head of his powers. They said "Are you kidding? We're invested in this guy too."

Yes, G-Rod still has his power to appoint himself as senator, because he's the only one who will get within 7,000 miles of the job now. Sure the impeachment process has begun, but who knows how long that will take. Where's the special election we were promised? Oh wait, we still have a governor.

Thanks judges, thanks. Way to make it seem like you're not in on pay-to-play too.

There's a viral song that's been going around just in time for the holidays called "Get packin' Rod Blagojevich." It was written by John McHugh and set to the tune of "God rest ye merry, gentleman."

Here it is performed by Dan Bearden:

Blago the lego

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I'm not sure who designed this picture, but it was too hilarious not to post.

Even the toy industry is trying to profit off of G-Rod! That's fine by me though, he's made money off of everything else. What goes around comes around guv.

Foot War in Baghdad

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

To say President George W. Bush is a "shoe-in" for the most hated person in Iraq may be an understatement.

At a joint conference between the president and the Iraqi prime minister, Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, a television journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, took off his shoes and threw them at Bush.

After getting Bush-whacked by the journalist, the prime minister asked for a public apology from Zaidi. The people of Iraq protested and proudly displayed the shoes that nearly walked over Bush.

While it may be something most American journalists would like to do, the statement made by al-Zaidi is something of a powerful one for the view of the U.S. in other parts of the world. We're not a nation of heros anymore, as we've been told to believe. We've become a nation of hypocrites and anti-Indepedence.

Now, that statement qualifies me as an enemy of the state, but it's true. If you look at America's touted Bill of Rights you'll see the Third Amdendment. Anyone remember from 8th grade what that means?

It's the right we have not to board soldiers in our homes against our will. Isn't that what we're doing around the world? North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, Germany, Japan, et. al. have American soldiers stationed within their borders. Of course, we're not forcing ourselves into houses specifically, but the spirit of the right given to American's seems to be violated. We created that doctorine so as not to be policed by the government or the world, but to be free and an independent nation.

Let's hope the "change" we voted for with President-elect Barack Obama, doesn't result in a kick in the face to the American voter. The world has suffered enough at our hands and is now repaying us with flying footwear.

Rod nailed on tape

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I always thought rods were made of steel, but Illinois' own G-Rod Blagojevich was hammered to the wall this morning on corruption charges.

Things just don't get any better for Illinois politics. Let's do the breakdown, we have George Ryan convicted of corruption charges, three fundraisers who have been indicted or convicted on corruption charges, two Chicago aldermen, one who pled guilty and the other who has yet to be accused of any wrong doing and a Blago in a "political corruption crime spree."

Yes, it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for federal prosecutor Pat Fitzgerald, who has done all but accuse the corrupted reformer candidate of stealing the Christmas tree from little Cindy Who. His gift, any political office he'll ever want.

For Illinois and the governor, a lump of coal and a rude wake-up call from the FBI.

The case dubbed "Operation Board Games" has been under investigation for three years and is, according to the man who's trying to save Springfield, still ongoing. Guess what else happened around that time. G-Rod's re-election.

The smooth operating, rigid quaff wearing politico swore reform when he ran for Ryan's seat in 2002, then his administration went under investigation right before his re-election campaign in 2006 and now is looking at running again under the "I know you are, but what am I" campaign in 2010. While under federal investigation, the people of Illinois re-elected him. Seriously, what were we thinking? Judy Barr Topenka wasn't necessarily the next best thing at the time, but we did have a third option.

The major accusation hanging over superquaffs head is the attempt to sell President-elect Barack Obama's senate seat. The kicker? If the bid wasn't high enough, he was going to take it himself. He even called the highest ranking member of his own party a motherf---er. Smooth.

A couple months before G-Rod's arrest, the Illinois General Assembly passed an Illinois Ethics Bill against "pay-to-play" politics, which he threatened to veto. The original champion of the bill? President-motherf---er Obama. Gee, it makes you wonder why he used such strong adjectives to describe the next commander-in-chief doesn't it? It also just looks bad for the jailbird, who was bailed out faster than the mortgage companies today.

But, if you think he looks stupid on international anti-corruption day, then what do we look like? Sheep, idiots, naive or maybe optimists.

"He doesn't have any real control over what his fundraisers do," we thought.

Maybe those of us who voted for Blago in 2006 should get indicted for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery.

Then again, please don't. Go for the one's who didn't vote for the recall amendment on Nov. 4.

Franken defeated, not without contest

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

In one of the closest races in Minnesota history, Al Franken lost to incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 1,000 votes, however, Franken gets a recount.

I would like to urge the popular talk show host not to take the recount. Why? Because it's like having a two night show and then asking the heckler from the first night to come back for another round.

Just because you might have some zingers that you thought of off stage doesn't mean you should give the opposition a chance to strengthen their position either. You had your chance and it didn't go your way. These things happens. It's a tough break, but you'll have your opportunity to increase your presence and next time you'll be ready.

Buck up Franken, do you really want to be a sore loser?

Critical Counties

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Minnesota Senate race has come down to two key counties for an Al Franken victory. 

Cass county has less than half of the precincts reporting in the Senate race that could be a key win for wit and Pine county now has a little more than half already in. 

Franken trails incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 10,000 votes and no one is laughing just yet. I, however, must say that it looks pretty wrapped up. I don't think, even with only 83 percent of the precincts reporting, our jovial critic of the ridiculous right is going to pull this one out. 

We have to call Minnesota for Coleman. We do hope for a Dewey defeats Truman projection, but we can't give our candidate the win even with this tight of a race. 

As all comics know, when the material isn't working, it's time to say goodnight and gracefully leave the stage. 

Funny not synonymous with politics

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

As we head into a new age of politics, all men are finally quasi-officially created equal by electing a black man to the highest office of in the land. Comedy, however, has taken a nasty hit. 

Stephen Colbert, the beloved conservative parodist, has not gained a single vote in South Carolina. This may not come as a surprise to many voters, but it has distressed those who think comedy should cross media and enter politics. We blame Doritos for not doing their part in properly getting out the vote. As a snack chip mogul, you should have done your part and urged your consumers to vote with a sense of humor. 

The Sen. John McCain loss is a detriment to "Saturday Night Live." They were hard at work financing and building a robot to replicate McCains mannerisms because no man is that stiff. All that time and money spent to tickle the funny bones of Americans has gone to waste, much like the money given to the banksin the bailout. The voters have been screwed---twice. 

Tina Fey will have to wait four more years to play Gov. Sarah Palin. I feel sorry for Fey because I'm sure it took a lot of alcohol and drugs to match the I.Q. level of the Alaskan Governor. I guess she'll just have to focus on her Emmy winning series "30 Rock" now. 

And Al Franken hasn't taken Minnesota by storm just yet. The story there is the Dean Barkley factor. 

Barkley has a bite by taking 16 percent of the vote in Minnesota making it a nail biter in the Senate race. We almost called it for Franken's opponent, Republican Norm Coleman, but Franken has the lead by a little over 1,000 votes. 

We can sum tonight up in one sentence. Comedy has suffered a tragedy, but we hear laughs at the end of the tunnel.  

 

F*** too close to call

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

In the Presidential race they're calling some states too close to call. I'm going out on a limb and calling those states for the candidates. 

Sen. Barack Obama is leading Sen. John McCain by two points in Virginia with 91 percent of the precincts reporting. I'm calling Virginia for Obama. The cotton picking state that led the confederacy to its timely demise is finally progressing into the 20th Century (yes, I know it's the 21st) and electing a black man into office. 

Missouri, who has never lost an election, is leaning McCain by three points with under half the precincts reporting. I'm calling it for McCain. A bitter man wins, but its a bitter defeat for traditionally deciding swing state. Indiana I will also put in the McCain column for the evening, but that's because nobody liked Reggie Miller, who vaugely resembles Obama. Who said celebrity look-alikes never decided an election, right Tina Fey? 

California just went to Obama. I have one thing to tell the Governator: You should have pumped it up at the polls. With that, the media elite is calling for Obama to be the next President of the United States. 284 electoral votes for Obama to 146 for McCain spells victory, but it's not AP Style. 

However, we still need to keep a level head because it may change. The spelling may look accurate, but the math still seems to be off. 

As for Al Franken, it is, unfortunately, too close to call. Can't win 'em all.  

Laughing to the Capital

With 10 percent of the precincts reporting it is still too close to call, but Al Franken has a four point lead. Their common sense has finally thawed out and the bigger counties are starting to go to the former Saturday Night Live writer and current talk show host. Who said radio is dead? 

Unfortunately, Stephen Colbert still has no votes in South Carolina where Sen. John McCain is projected to win. But we believe Doritos voter intimidation will work in the western part of the state. Colbert may still have a chance, but Obama's presence is no longer felt in the Palmetto State. 

Texas went to McCain, but Obama took Ohio by surprise becoming the lead Buckeye. Unlike Ohio, Florida, which still has not learned from its past mistakes, is still too close to call. Apparently, the polling places are in retirement homes and the Alzheimers patients forgot how to fill out the ballots. If we know anymore, we'll keep you updated. But for now we would like to urge Jeb Bush to get his s*** together. 

Franken Race

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Star Tribune just updated the precinct results and so far Al Franken is down by 7 points, but very few have reported. It's too close to call as of right now, but we think the cold has gotten tot he heads of Minnesota residents at the northernmost part of the state. We're keeping our hopes alive that laughs and common sense will return to Washington in January. Keep checking back for updates. 

Franken At-Large

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-Chief

As many of you know the magazine has been out of commission since July. To start we'd like to apologize for this, but since we fund it out of our pockets we lost the FTP server until recently. 

Here I am tonight, Election Night 2008, to announce the projected victories of each candidate. We have plenty of red states, plenty of blue states, a few purple and still an absence of rainbow, which I don't believe has been represented fairly in this election. 

If the magazine were in publication we would have endorsed Sen. Obama simply because of his ears. There's so many things graphically we can do with those. Seriously though, we do believe he is the candidate of change, only because he's a different color than most presidents. I think Teddy Roosevelt was red, but don't take my word for it. We also would have endorsed Al Franken in the Minnesota Senate race. We think his songs are funny. 

As of right now, the Minnesota Star Tribune doesn't have an update for the race, but we will keep you posted on the updates. Keep checking back and look for the triumphant return of the funniest magazine by accident.  

Here for: dating, serious relationships, but mostly revenge

by Chris Schlichting
i see that my xgirlfriend (we'll call her "julie") recently just got married to a guy she met on myspace (we'll call him "mike brody"). i honestly thought i would be in the wedding given the fact that they literally met on my myspace page. it didnt take much for me to figure out something was going on. they would celebrate anniverseries by returing back to where they first met and flirt back and forth on my myspace wall.

all im saying is i should at the very least be a groomsmen, along with tom, a crapy band that will soon be performing in same zip code they live in, and maybe a few pedifilers. and she can have the girls in the match.com adds as bridesmaids.

as puinshment though for their myspace TOMfoolery, they will no longer be my top friends, i will not do any of their surveys anymore, and i will no longer read any of their bullentins or blogs even if they do have catching subject titles like "In your face Chris Schlichting!"
for the record, i am not jealous because i know what shes doing. this is just a rebound wedding.

i wish them love, and happiness, and good internet service.

you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch: Chris Schlichting

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

there is a snake down my basement and it scares me double time because there are already a bunch of spiders down there. so now i feel that the longer i let the snake situation go unresolved the more likelihood that the snake and spider will meet, become friends, and then join sides. it is also inevitible that the snake and spiders will eventually become lovers and then produce a offspring of web-slinging snakes ("spikes"), or snakes with 8 legs ("snaders").

eventually i will build up my courage and head down my basement with the only known weapon that defeats the new species....a rabbi blessed katana blade with a blue green handle. i will hear the scurrying around of snaders, but also the slithering of spikes. in my head, i say,

"fuck.....mixed baby breeds,"

but then to show coinfidence, dominace, and lack of respect, i will say aloud,

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

and with that remark, like a biljillion snaders and spikes appear, including mother snake, who shows up like 10 seconds later for dramatic effect.

and then after quickly calculating my odds and becoming a tad bit worried, i regain composure and say something real calm and cool like,

"is it tuesday already?"

and then i cauk my sword like a shotgun, which makes you wonder just what kind of enchanted weapon is this. and just as the creatures postion themselves to strike, the lights go out.

complete darkness.

did someone order a triple phobia with cheese? not me, because i am lactose intolerant.

all that is now seen is the outside of the door that leads to the basement and all that is heard coming from the basment is the sound of a swinging katana blade, shotgun blasts, blood and guts splattering, grunts and groans, trumpets playing softly, and a single baby giggling wildly.

then...

silence....

(close up on basement door knob slowly turning) i emerge badly brusied and scraped, barely standing, but nevertheless, still standing. i pull out a cigarette and lite it with a zippo lighter that has the engravment, "Snake Charmer."

focus then returns to bottom of stairs to reveal barely alive mother snake. she has my shotswordgun and is pointing it at my back. i hear the calk, but interupt the shooting of me with the phrase,

"hey mother snake, ya wanna know what the most fucked up part about this whole situation is... first off, apparently you are taking the time to listen to what i have to say, and two... you may now know my phopia, but i think i have a good idea what yours is....."

mother snake then says with a lisp,

"oh yeah, what'sssss that?"

i then drop my zippo on a convenient stream of gasoline that conveniently leads right to mother snake. she explodes. close up on my lips as i say,

"me, you fuckin snake bitch."

roll credits

From the stage: Travis Lipski

Here's the update:

I got a call for a headline gig in Iowa, private party, knowing the booker and the fact that he's seen me twice, I feel good about it and put maximum effort in to preparing.

I get there and immediately realize this will suck, I'm performing for the Yacht Club.
Conservative ass bags, they said they wanted an R rated show, what they wanted was an R rated Larry the CG.

Old guy yells out "Sex!" I ask him how can he can have sex, I know there is Viagra, but how do you get the other person to tolerate it without throwing up when his old gray wrinkly body climbs on her?

Nothin'!

I proceed with no laughs and they pull the plug after 5-10, I call the booker, leave message that I intend to cash the check.

No reply.

I put the check in the bank and now I'll wait for it to clear, if it doesn't I'll be pissed but for now, it was an all expense paid misunderstanding(they put me up in a good hotel) so such is life.
Last week at open mic I made a Jew cry, really, not a girl - a full grown man(college student) the chair of the Bradley Jew Klan (probably not the name of it).

"The holocaust, of course it was tragic..........Hitler didn't get the chance to finish the job."

I didn't start out with that but due to a hyper-PC reactionary party of five, I went over the edge.
I was about to make a point that the Zionist overlords don't say shit about the African Holocaust going on right now and that all Africa gets is George -fucking-Clooney.

The table of five Jews promptly left without tipping and slammed the door on the way out, each one of them.
I can not help but feel that if there were a sign stating that each slamming of the door requires a surcharge of 15 cents, they would have closed it softly.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Comedy Corner Comics

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