Comedy Corner Comedians

No Sweet reward

2009-07-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

President Barack Obama spoke to the nation on July 22 regarding his health care package and the economy.

Leave it to the Chicago Sun-Times White House correspondent to get off task. Lynn Sweet, whom I never liked covering the president anyway, asked about Henry Lewis "Skip" Gates' arrest and race relations in America.

You wonder why your paper is in the tank. We're still in one of the worst recessions in 50 years, health care is a hot button topic and you asked about a professor who was locked out of his home. Knocked that one out of the park didn't you Sweet. Way to ask the tough questions.

You wonder why your paper is in the tank? It's coverage like that and your past coverage of Obama that makes people not able to take you seriously. I'm reminded of your bracket columns during March Madness when people the government loaned money to were taking large bonuses.

Are you the sole reason your paper is struggling? Of course not, that would just be unfair to Conrad Black. But columnists like you aren't helping.

I'm not taking away from the importance of race relations in America. It is an important issue and racial profiling does need to be addressed, as Obama said in reply. But there is a time and a place for questions like that.

That's why Robert Gibbs, Obama's press secretary, has daily new briefings. Ask him about it. He'll get an answer from the president for you.

While a press conference is a good way to get your questions answered, use your head Sweet. It's like asking about the president's wardrobe for a ball during a hostage crisis. It's not the time nor the place.

I expected more from a seasoned journalist. Then again...

Kathy Griffin to host Rivers Roast

2009-07-09T21:42:00.001-07:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Kathy Griffin. Who would have thunk it? A woman with a loud and annoying voice has been selected to roast the comedic icon Joan Rivers.

Since most of the people who know Rivers are either dead or extremely old I would like to remind them to not only stay in their coffins, but also turn down your Beltones. When either woman gets to the mic it'll sound like the clanging of aluminum trash can lids in your ears.

But, why Griffin? Was Fran Drescher unavailable? Is Wanda Sykes too busy palling around with Julia Louis-Dreyfus? I'm sure either of them could compete with Rivers' in a shouting for attention match better than Griffin.

What's most surprising about Griffin being the master of ceremonies is that she is actually working. I thought Comedy Central mainly chose emcee's who were either washed up T.V. stars, B-List comics or reality stars.

Oh, wait! Griffin is a reality T.V. star--an Emmy Award-winning reality TV star. Her life on the D-List has brought her.up to the B-List.

Not to take away from Griffin's talents. She is a funny comedienne, but I find it odd that Rivers, known for her boisterous critiques on the red carpet, is being roasted by someone who is equally piercing. That's what America wants, two cats howling into its ears for an hour.

At any rate, congratulations Griffin, now you can make fun of an A-list comic with a B-List billing.

Rivers roasted equals comedy drought

2009-04-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Comedy Central just announced it's latest roast victim, Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers is an accomplished comedian with such credits to her resume as Spaceballs, the Academy Awards' Red Carpet walk and The Last Supper. It's probably the fact the plastic hasn't melted her face off under the bright lights of the Oscars that made Comedy Central comfortable to do this roast.

The roast masters will most likely be Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampenelli and God, in his first roast appearance. Anyone who basically isn't that busy. Lampenelli is the only one with a fully operating career right now. As we can see from the wars erupting and Daniel Tosh getting his own show, God's on vacation.

Comedy Central got it right, for a change, and is roasting someone worthy of it. Let's just hope her robot parts don't rust on the way to the studio.

Cramer wrongfully victimized by Stewart

2009-03-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Alright, so Jim Cramer of CNBC’s “Mad Money” wasn’t wrongfully victimized, but that headline got your attention and that’s my point.

As Jon Stewart of Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” said in his interview with Cramer, this is the same exploitation of possibly inaccurate information and advice given by the commentators and reporters of CNBC.

Stewart has been lampooning CNBC this past week after reporter Rick Santelli was seen on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange shouting about bailout money going to home-owners. Much to his dismay, I’m sure, Cramer decided it would be a good idea to become, as Stewart put it, the face of CNBC.

But that’s also not the point of this column. The point of this column is we have found true journalism in comedy and that’s both ironic and funny, but not necessarily “funny ha-ha” more like “funny uh-oh” as Yakko Warner would put it. (But misdirection keeps you reading)

Comics tend to turn to the news makers for material. The idea of current events comedy is what started “The Daily Show.” You recap the events of the day, week, month or year and put your own spin to it.

Stewart has taken this a step farther, whether he wanted to or not, and is becoming the watcher of the watchdogs.

Perhaps the best clip of the past week’s war with the financial station was when a reporter, asked one executive accused of Ponzi schemes “What’s it like to be a billionaire?”

Hard hitting, isn’t it? That’s point Stewart was making and he’s absolutely right. It’s sad and stupid that we have to get this information from the same guy who was in Half Baked asking “Have you ever seen the back of a $20 dollar bill…on weed!”

Why can’t more journalists call out other journalists? Because the newspapers or shows they work for are part of the same company. Let’s take the Chicago Tribune, for example.

Tribune Media Co. is owned by Sam Zell. His media group has not only the Trib, but also WGN-TV, WGN Radio and CLTV. Now, let’s make believe CLTV had mostly commentators instead of reporters, like a lot of the national media.

Would that group honestly call out CLTV the same way CNBC was called out by Comedy Central? No, absolutely not, even though they probably know more of what goes on than other media outlets. If they screwed up, it would be news in competing papers, but it would most likely die. Journalists have other things to worry about a lot of the time, such as it not happening to them.

Then again the Trib doesn’t really need to worry about any kind of controversy, considering gossip is such a big deal for Colonel Tribune, the newspapers resident tweeter. Bristol Palin and her boyfriend breaking up was big enough news for him to hop on Twitter.com and get excited about, which was first reported by the Associated Press. And I’m pretty sure these people have more things to worry about than the daughter of a failing Alaskan Gov.’s social life.

Anyway, back on message. From a business stand-point, chastising your own affiliate would cut into your profit margins and, much like what the rest of the market has been doing, your stock would tank. As Chuck Klosterman said in his book Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, journalism is a business owned by “massive conservative corporations” and they “own everything.” And all those CEO’s know are profit margins.

Editors know that, so they try to keep bad news about their business--(drumroll) out of the news.

CNBC failed and Cramer became the spokesman. The hard-hitting financial network reported on more fluff and crap than the comedy news show. In turn failed to see the bigger picture of what was not just happening, but what they were perpetuating too.

Stewart noticed this, Stewart called them out and it’s ridiculous the journalists missed it.

We’re supposed to be the watchdogs of society, but we were too busy knawing on the bones of G.W. to notice a huge mistake in our own backyard.

Watchmen induces mixed feelings

2009-03-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I really wanted to like the Watchmen, but the movie was more two-dimensional than the comic.

That’s not to say the movie was horrible, because it wasn’t. It’s also not to say the effort wasn’t somewhat of a cinematic achievement, because it was. But director Zach Snyder got stuck in the same pitfall that made 300 less than appealing, the story and characters were flat.

Snyder is most revered for his visual directing style and rightfully so, which is why a 600-word review cannot begin to capture the complexity of the film, much like three hours wasn’t enough to capture the complexity of the book. Or was it?

Peter Jackson accurately portrayed each 500 plus page Lord of the Rings book with a movie that was both enjoyable to fans and beginners alike. Each of the theatrical releases was about three hours in length. He was able to give the characters depth, make the viewer believe this alternate world existed and stay true to the story line while remaining visually compelling.

The “Watchmen” graphic novel was about 100 pages less, but it was arguably more complex than “Lord of the Rings.” Within the graphic novel there are many competing story lines woven into one larger story. Snyder, while staying true to the art of the book, just couldn’t bring a majority of these characters to life or lift the story from the page.

One major problem with his adaptation was the emphasis he put on the superheroes. I can respect he did this for the viewers who had not read “Watchmen,” but at the same time I have to chastise him for it. Superheroes were merely a plot device of the book, not the central focus. The central focus was the contempt mankind had for itself and each other.

To put it historically, the book, set in alternate 1985 New York, was written around the same time Bernhard Goetz had just shot four men who were attempting to mug him in a New York subway. From the acclaim he got for being a vigilante, he became a martyr, which is the same kind of story the Watchmen seemed to convey.

It was that underlying story that made the book a New York Times Bestseller and one of Time Magazines “Top 100 Books of all Time,” not the visuals. If you were to take the comic aspect away from the novel, you would have the same amazing book with the same interesting characters and story.

In order to really criticize the other major flaws with the film, I have to briefly describe the philosophy (which could have been written by Nietzsche himself), psychology (which really captures both sociopathic behavior and the “Peter Pan” syndrome) and human condition (mankind ultimately wanting to destroy itself) without losing the integrity along the way. Much like the film had to do and failed at. See why 600-words can’t do this justice?

But, to his credit, Rorschach and Dr. Manhattan had the depth and complexity they deserved. They were major players in the comic and I like the fact Snyder stayed true to them.

Their separate story lines were just as important in the movie as they were in the novel, but I still didn’t feel as though the alternate 1985 was real, like I did when I read it.

Terry Gilliam is well-known for making an alternate universe feel real (i.e. Brazil, The Fisher King and Tideland) and Watchmen is placed in an alternate 1985. When he attempted not once, but twice to make this film and said he couldn’t do it that should speak volumes. But it didn’t. And just like Gilliam goes over budget, I’m going over word count.

Basically, Snyder, this piece was too big for you when a seasoned filmmaker openly admits defeat, but the fanboy attempt does not go unnoticed (being a fanboy myself), no matter how handicapped or half-hearted that attempt may have seemed.

Robin Williams' medical issues

2009-03-04T15:07:00.001-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Robin Williams, who is scheduled to be in Chicago for his first performance in late March, had to postpone four stops of his "Weapons of Self-Destruction" tour due to health issues.

According to the press release, Williams is being evaluated by doctors and was suggested to take a week of rest. He was reported having "shortness of breath."

Williams probably replied "God was under twice as much stress and he only rested one day. Bite me."

Then again, the 57-year-old comic probably is at the stage of his life that he'll still listen to doctors despite being annoyed.

It comes as no surprise Williams is experiencing shortness of breath, especially with his style of comedy. His high energy, A.D.D. routines would cause even the most adept meth addict a heart attack.

The energy Williams performs with is higher than I have seen with any reputable comedian. His comedic allure has always been the off-the-wall, Tazmanian Devil approach to material.

It still makes you wonder, if this great will fall soon too. In the past year we've had two comedians die from "health complications," the late George Carlin and Bernie Mac. As everyone knows bad things happens in threes. This would be contemporary comedy's third.

Not that I'm wishing any ill-will toward Williams. In fact, quite the opposite. I hope for a speedy recovery followed by a long life of performance. I love his comedy and appreciate his passion and ability to perform with such high energy.

This is why he is one of comedy's greats. We at Comedy Corner Magazine wish him well and want Williams to know Dog is watching over him.

Robin's kind of town

2009-02-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

After his "pop in" visit last year to Lakeshore Theater, Robin Williams left Chicago wanting more.

The wait is over as he has announced two shows at the Rosemont Theater in Rosemont, Ill. The legendary comedian will be back in the Chicago area on both March 27 (sold out) and April 18 to perform for Windy City fans.

Tickets range from $49.50 to $95. Supply and demand charts prove his show is not overpriced.

Seinfeld sells out

2009-02-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Everyone knew Jerry Seinfeld would make a return to prime time.

He and his good friend Larry David left the original sitcom fairly open ended, just in case they’d want to return to it. But there’s not a TV exec, comedian or entertainment junky that could have seen this coming. Seinfeld making a reality show, one he’s not even in.

His documentary “Comedian” could act as an indicator as to why he wants to do this, reality is funnier than anything scripted. A documentary is one thing, but to sink low enough to reality television is unfathomable, especially for Seinfeld.

Reality TV has proven to be popular. Shows like American Idol, Survivor, Big Brother or any piece of white trash programming VH1 comes up with are huge money makers and rating hogs. NBC picking up Seinfeld’s The Marriage Ref comes as no surprise. Hell, they’ve allowed Last Comic Standing to continue despite the fact it basically degrades comedy and the profession, so why not.

But Seinfeld is better than that, or so people thought. The press release from NBC said the show “will feature opinionated celebrities, comedians and sports stars who will candidly comment, judge and offer different strategies for real-life couples in the midst of a classic marital dispute.”

Even Dr. Phil is changing the channel at this point.

A lot of comedians have been divorced at least once and if they haven’t yet, it’s either coming soon or it’s the rare marriage that can last a lifetime. In the age of TMZ, Perez Hilton and other “e-news” reports about celebrities getting divorced and remarried and divorced again happen all the time. As for sports stars, reference Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson, no more needs to be said. So who better than to delegate a marriage than people who can barely keep one themselves?

People are denouncing this idea all over. Comments on blogs reference old Seinfeld characters like the Soup Nazi or Babu Bhatt trashing the idea. “No Soup for you!” or “Very bad Jerry. Veeeerrrry bad” is a general consensus among the audience. So, NBC, if people who love the show enough to not only have screen names from Seinfeld characters, but also quote them against a new Seinfeld created show, who’s the target audience?

If the network is looking for funny angles to really explore, then why not invite people from ABC’s The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Fox’s Joe Millionaire to be a part of this comedy counseling. If anyone would need it, it’d be those contestants.

Picking up the idea just because he’s Seinfeld, doesn’t make it a good idea, just a cheap marketing ploy. “Must see TV,” has become nothing more than “Now missing the point.”

"Cable guy's" roast window closing soon

2009-02-13T14:40:00.001-08:00

This week Comedy Central announced their roasters for Larry the Cable Guy.

Well funny be damned, even a hack comedian gets a roast. Jeff Foxworthy did too, so it's only fair, right? What's next, Dane Cook?

Execs at the Viacom owned network right now are probably saying, "Oooo! We never thought of him."

Among the roasters are Nick DiPaolo, Jeffrey Ross, Greg Giraldo and Lisa Lampanelli. Who hasn't seen their smiling faces enough during a CC roast? It's like the network has them on contract as professional roasters too, which can't be such a bad thing. Between the four of them, Lisa Lampanelli is the only person with a career.

But choosing her for a roast of a white redneck "from the south" is questionable too.

"How many jokes can you make about black cock," Robert Bykowski, 27-year-old Chicago resident, said.

Not too many in the Confederacy, one would imagine. If anyone can make such a stupid event funny, it would be Lampanelli. Who else could we lean against? Dan Marino, the hall of fame quarterback from the Miami Dolphins. His comedy experience doesn't reach past Ace Ventura, and that's stretching it. Next.

Toby Keith, the country music sensation. OK, he falls into the "from the south" category. His music videos are pretty humorous. But his comedy would have to be prewritten and come in the form of a song. Try again.

The only other salvation so far is Drew Carey, who must not be earning enough on "The Price is Right" to sign up for this B-List gig.

A roast is generally celebrating the achievements of one person. Denis Leary was roasted, Bob Sagat was roasted and well, that's the end of the worthy comedy roasts. It is agreed that Pamela Anderson and William Shatner were not comedy roasts, but they do have a long career of achievements, sort of.

What about Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Dave Barry, Bill Cosby, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Jim Carey (getting iffy), etc. The list goes on.

"Maybe they wouldn't agree to it," Bykowski speculated.

He also said the Blue Collar Comedy Tour has made Comedy Central a lot of money with Blue Collar TV and the tour being replayed at least twice a week.

He's right. For a network that has a monopoly on the comedy scene it's not about the quality, it's about the money.

"Git r dun" Comedy Central because it's shameless not to capitalize on gimmick comedy.

Cr-AP-py

2009-02-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

Well, so much artistic freedom.

The Associated Press is suing Shepard Fairey, a street artist from Los Angles known for his Obama campaign poster and USA network’s “Character of the year”, for copyright infringement.

It was a double-take for anyone in the artistic community. The poster was based off an AP photo of Obama shot during the past election season. But looking at the photo, there are minor differences, which should free Fairey of any liability.

For one, the head is cocked differently. The photo had his head tilted lower than the “Hope” poster portrayed our President. Two other differences, which may not hold up in court, are different color ties and a background devoid of the American flag, placed prominently in the AP photo.

What’s this world coming to? The AP is only suing because they’re upset he’s making money off of this. Last time I checked, and it was in the original article, it was a campaign contribution with little stipend. If there is no profit, there is no problem.

The AP is making way to big of deal out of this. American’s top used news wire is acting like a petty child. Do you want your blankey too, as this all gets sorted out?

But what’s next? Will comics get sued from any major publication for basing their jokes off a story written by another author? If so, Leno, Letterman and Conan are all in for a big surprise after this suit is over.

Between the three of them, based off the amount of time they’ve been on the air and the networks profits from advertising during their programs, the national debt could be paid off and the country’s economic crisis could be over.

It’s a strike to any one who is, was or wants to be an artist. Shame on you AP.

But maybe, just maybe, Fairey will reap sweet poetic justice.

Prosectuting Phelps

2009-02-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

By Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Michael Phelps, say it ain't so!

You apologized? Really? You're a gold medal Olympian, who was caught relaxing after a tough two years of training and you apologized for having a little "me and Mary Jane time?"

In my eyes, you had nothing to apologize for. More than half the country has at least tried pot once. You're not a headline, you're a statistic.

But now you must make another apology Phelps. You must apologize to 97 percent of the 26,000 CNBC viewers who are in favor of more lenient marijuana laws.

You have to apologize to the folks at High Times for losing a potential spokesperson. You can only print so many copies with Snoop Dogg on the cover ya know.

You may have been a cover story if you would have taken the Obama route and said, "Of course I inhaled, that's the point isn't it?" Then you would have been a reefer hero.

But nooo, you had to make your corporate sponsors happy? Otherwise how would you know what time it is without Omega. Hell, you may even wind up swimming naked courtesy Speedo.

So, there's another apology. What about all the women who wanted to see your toned package? Where's the remorse for them?

You've forgotton about this nation's progressive agenda, you have no respect for struggling publications and you've alienated at least half of the world.

In saving you're ass, you've forgotton the big picture of the little guy.

Keeping Warm With Three Legged Race

2009-01-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

By Alex Joyce
Contributing Writer and Stand-up comedian

Chilly winter Fridays at the Apollo Theatre on Lincoln may seem rough, but non-stop laughs and some smart and funny sketches will keep you warm and toasty. Three Legged Race’s “Awkward Turtle” show makes it feel like a day at the beach. Definitely a top quality sketch comedy show in an intimate room for an affordable price.

I had seen Three Legged Race perform improv before at Johnny O’Hagan’s Irish Pub. They had all the tools and were quick on their feet then, so I expected them to bring the funny at a sketch show.

They didn’t disappoint.

Fourteen sketches, all got laughs. This is a show that had something for everyone ’s sense of humor.

This is a show with sketches about perverted muppets, amateur burglars, singing German men with mustaches, and a eulogy at a cat funeral. What more could you ask for?

All of the performers bring something to the table. Each of them complimenting the other making the show go smoothly and keeping the audience laughing. Their personalities easily lend themselves to a large cast of memorable characters, and a wide array of accents and personas make an appearance.

I have been to many bad sketch shows. Lots of them. But what's painfully obvious at a bad sketch show is how close it is to being a good one. There are one or two elements not clicking and it drags the whole show down. Not this show.

Three Legged Race have great writing, superb timing, interesting characters, and leave you wanting more. They truly commit to every character and the audience loves them for it. When there is a sketch about Bromance you can’t really half ass it. It came as no surprise they nailed it. A theatrical highlight for me.

The premises alone for the sketches make the show stand out. These aren’t your run of the mill, crazy cabbie, inappropriate co-worker type sketches. Extreme Homeless Makeover, and Tickle Bear stand out as very funny and bizarre enough for you to think about later and wonder “Jesus, how do they come up with this stuff?”

They are out of their minds. It’s a hilarious show that will feed anyone’s comedic appetite. It’s also an educational show; you will learn 17 uses for puke that I’m sure you never thought of.

This is a show that could easily be in a bigger venue in the near future. So, head down to the Apollo through Feb. 27, check these people out and support live comedy.

Alex Joyce hosts an open mic Thursday nights at Johnny O'Hagan's Irish Pub at 9 p.m.

Like this review? Want to see more? Be sure to check out Comedy Corner Magazine this summer. The reason you learned to read.

Show in progress

2009-01-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

By Greg Landgraf
Member of Three Legged Race

Really, we’re lucky.

Three Legged Race opens its first sketch show, Awkward Turtle, at the Apollo Theater Studio on Friday at 10:30. That’s a little less than 48 hours away. The week before a show—any show—opens is, well, miserable. Cast and crew are exhausted, everyone’s stressed, and divas have a habit of turning their most diva-tacular.

By any theatrical standard, therefore, we’re in great shape. About the worst thing that’s happened so far is that tonight, the group collectively reached the conclusion that we’re incredibly sick of our closing song.

That’s not a knock against the song. I wrote it, about a year and a half ago, and frankly, it’s pretty darn infectious. So we’ve been rehearsing it for several weeks, but even before that we would sing it to each other as an odd form of greeting. If you come to the show, you’ll enjoy the song, and it will ingrain itself into your brain. (In fact, that’s part of our marketing plan: You’ll find yourself humming it and, well, have to explain yourself.)

We’ve just sung and heard it so much lately, if you hum it to us, you’re probably going to get smacked.

Beyond that, the process has been pleasantly free of drama. The cast, our director, and our understudy/tech person still get along. No one’s gotten injured or blown out vocal cords. Best of all, the show is pretty much ready: We did a run-through tonight with full props and costumes, and the number of glitches could be counted on one hand.

So what is the show actually about? Well, it’s a sketch show, so it’s about a lot of things: depressed dancing bears, cake and racism, Sesame Street, cats both dead and attack-trained, bat mitzvahs, and the love that exists between two guys. The common thread, though, is the hilarity of awkward situations. (The name, incidentally, comes from a hand gesture that can help you get out of any awkward situations: toss up the awkward turtle by putting one hand on top of the other, palms down; then wiggle your thumbs like two stubby little turtle legs; then yell out “Awkward turtle!”; and then get on with your life. People give it to me all the time.)

The show is also, in my decidedly biased opinion, terrifically funny. So I hope you’ll come check it out.

Awkward Turtle runs Friday nights at 10:30 from January 9 through February 27 at the Apollo Studio theater, 2540 N. Lincoln.

Supreme mistake

2008-12-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Even the Supreme Court is against the voters.

Yesterday, they made a formal announcement about the request from Attorney General Lisa Madigan to strip helmet head of his powers. They said "Are you kidding? We're invested in this guy too."

Yes, G-Rod still has his power to appoint himself as senator, because he's the only one who will get within 7,000 miles of the job now. Sure the impeachment process has begun, but who knows how long that will take. Where's the special election we were promised? Oh wait, we still have a governor.

Thanks judges, thanks. Way to make it seem like you're not in on pay-to-play too.

There's a viral song that's been going around just in time for the holidays called "Get packin' Rod Blagojevich." It was written by John McHugh and set to the tune of "God rest ye merry, gentleman."

Here it is performed by Dan Bearden:

Blago the lego

2008-12-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I'm not sure who designed this picture, but it was too hilarious not to post.

Even the toy industry is trying to profit off of G-Rod! That's fine by me though, he's made money off of everything else. What goes around comes around guv.

Foot War in Baghdad

2008-12-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

To say President George W. Bush is a "shoe-in" for the most hated person in Iraq may be an understatement.

At a joint conference between the president and the Iraqi prime minister, Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, a television journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, took off his shoes and threw them at Bush.

After getting Bush-whacked by the journalist, the prime minister asked for a public apology from Zaidi. The people of Iraq protested and proudly displayed the shoes that nearly walked over Bush.

While it may be something most American journalists would like to do, the statement made by al-Zaidi is something of a powerful one for the view of the U.S. in other parts of the world. We're not a nation of heros anymore, as we've been told to believe. We've become a nation of hypocrites and anti-Indepedence.

Now, that statement qualifies me as an enemy of the state, but it's true. If you look at America's touted Bill of Rights you'll see the Third Amdendment. Anyone remember from 8th grade what that means?

It's the right we have not to board soldiers in our homes against our will. Isn't that what we're doing around the world? North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, Germany, Japan, et. al. have American soldiers stationed within their borders. Of course, we're not forcing ourselves into houses specifically, but the spirit of the right given to American's seems to be violated. We created that doctorine so as not to be policed by the government or the world, but to be free and an independent nation.

Let's hope the "change" we voted for with President-elect Barack Obama, doesn't result in a kick in the face to the American voter. The world has suffered enough at our hands and is now repaying us with flying footwear.

Rod nailed on tape

2008-12-09T20:13:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I always thought rods were made of steel, but Illinois' own G-Rod Blagojevich was hammered to the wall this morning on corruption charges.

Things just don't get any better for Illinois politics. Let's do the breakdown, we have George Ryan convicted of corruption charges, three fundraisers who have been indicted or convicted on corruption charges, two Chicago aldermen, one who pled guilty and the other who has yet to be accused of any wrong doing and a Blago in a "political corruption crime spree."

Yes, it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for federal prosecutor Pat Fitzgerald, who has done all but accuse the corrupted reformer candidate of stealing the Christmas tree from little Cindy Who. His gift, any political office he'll ever want.

For Illinois and the governor, a lump of coal and a rude wake-up call from the FBI.

The case dubbed "Operation Board Games" has been under investigation for three years and is, according to the man who's trying to save Springfield, still ongoing. Guess what else happened around that time. G-Rod's re-election.

The smooth operating, rigid quaff wearing politico swore reform when he ran for Ryan's seat in 2002, then his administration went under investigation right before his re-election campaign in 2006 and now is looking at running again under the "I know you are, but what am I" campaign in 2010. While under federal investigation, the people of Illinois re-elected him. Seriously, what were we thinking? Judy Barr Topenka wasn't necessarily the next best thing at the time, but we did have a third option.

The major accusation hanging over superquaffs head is the attempt to sell President-elect Barack Obama's senate seat. The kicker? If the bid wasn't high enough, he was going to take it himself. He even called the highest ranking member of his own party a motherf---er. Smooth.

A couple months before G-Rod's arrest, the Illinois General Assembly passed an Illinois Ethics Bill against "pay-to-play" politics, which he threatened to veto. The original champion of the bill? President-motherf---er Obama. Gee, it makes you wonder why he used such strong adjectives to describe the next commander-in-chief doesn't it? It also just looks bad for the jailbird, who was bailed out faster than the mortgage companies today.

But, if you think he looks stupid on international anti-corruption day, then what do we look like? Sheep, idiots, naive or maybe optimists.

"He doesn't have any real control over what his fundraisers do," we thought.

Maybe those of us who voted for Blago in 2006 should get indicted for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery.

Then again, please don't. Go for the one's who didn't vote for the recall amendment on Nov. 4.

Franken defeated, not without contest

2008-11-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

In one of the closest races in Minnesota history, Al Franken lost to incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 1,000 votes, however, Franken gets a recount.

I would like to urge the popular talk show host not to take the recount. Why? Because it's like having a two night show and then asking the heckler from the first night to come back for another round.

Just because you might have some zingers that you thought of off stage doesn't mean you should give the opposition a chance to strengthen their position either. You had your chance and it didn't go your way. These things happens. It's a tough break, but you'll have your opportunity to increase your presence and next time you'll be ready.

Buck up Franken, do you really want to be a sore loser?

Critical Counties

2008-11-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Minnesota Senate race has come down to two key counties for an Al Franken victory.

Cass county has less than half of the precincts reporting in the Senate race that could be a key win for wit and Pine county now has a little more than half already in.

Franken trails incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 10,000 votes and no one is laughing just yet. I, however, must say that it looks pretty wrapped up. I don't think, even with only 83 percent of the precincts reporting, our jovial critic of the ridiculous right is going to pull this one out.

We have to call Minnesota for Coleman. We do hope for a Dewey defeats Truman projection, but we can't give our candidate the win even with this tight of a race.

As all comics know, when the material isn't working, it's time to say goodnight and gracefully leave the stage.

Funny not synonymous with politics

2008-11-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

As we head into a new age of politics, all men are finally quasi-officially created equal by electing a black man to the highest office of in the land. Comedy, however, has taken a nasty hit.

Stephen Colbert, the beloved conservative parodist, has not gained a single vote in South Carolina. This may not come as a surprise to many voters, but it has distressed those who think comedy should cross media and enter politics. We blame Doritos for not doing their part in properly getting out the vote. As a snack chip mogul, you should have done your part and urged your consumers to vote with a sense of humor.

The Sen. John McCain loss is a detriment to "Saturday Night Live." They were hard at work financing and building a robot to replicate McCains mannerisms because no man is that stiff. All that time and money spent to tickle the funny bones of Americans has gone to waste, much like the money given to the banksin the bailout. The voters have been screwed---twice.

Tina Fey will have to wait four more years to play Gov. Sarah Palin. I feel sorry for Fey because I'm sure it took a lot of alcohol and drugs to match the I.Q. level of the Alaskan Governor. I guess she'll just have to focus on her Emmy winning series "30 Rock" now.

And Al Franken hasn't taken Minnesota by storm just yet. The story there is the Dean Barkley factor.

Barkley has a bite by taking 16 percent of the vote in Minnesota making it a nail biter in the Senate race. We almost called it for Franken's opponent, Republican Norm Coleman, but Franken has the lead by a little over 1,000 votes.

We can sum tonight up in one sentence. Comedy has suffered a tragedy, but we hear laughs at the end of the tunnel.

F*** too close to call

2008-11-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

In the Presidential race they're calling some states too close to call. I'm going out on a limb and calling those states for the candidates.

Sen. Barack Obama is leading Sen. John McCain by two points in Virginia with 91 percent of the precincts reporting. I'm calling Virginia for Obama. The cotton picking state that led the confederacy to its timely demise is finally progressing into the 20th Century (yes, I know it's the 21st) and electing a black man into office.

Missouri, who has never lost an election, is leaning McCain by three points with under half the precincts reporting. I'm calling it for McCain. A bitter man wins, but its a bitter defeat for traditionally deciding swing state. Indiana I will also put in the McCain column for the evening, but that's because nobody liked Reggie Miller, who vaugely resembles Obama. Who said celebrity look-alikes never decided an election, right Tina Fey?

California just went to Obama. I have one thing to tell the Governator: You should have pumped it up at the polls. With that, the media elite is calling for Obama to be the next President of the United States. 284 electoral votes for Obama to 146 for McCain spells victory, but it's not AP Style.

However, we still need to keep a level head because it may change. The spelling may look accurate, but the math still seems to be off.

As for Al Franken, it is, unfortunately, too close to call. Can't win 'em all.

Laughing to the Capital

2008-11-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

With 10 percent of the precincts reporting it is still too close to call, but Al Franken has a four point lead. Their common sense has finally thawed out and the bigger counties are starting to go to the former Saturday Night Live writer and current talk show host. Who said radio is dead?

Unfortunately, Stephen Colbert still has no votes in South Carolina where Sen. John McCain is projected to win. But we believe Doritos voter intimidation will work in the western part of the state. Colbert may still have a chance, but Obama's presence is no longer felt in the Palmetto State.

Texas went to McCain, but Obama took Ohio by surprise becoming the lead Buckeye. Unlike Ohio, Florida, which still has not learned from its past mistakes, is still too close to call. Apparently, the polling places are in retirement homes and the Alzheimers patients forgot how to fill out the ballots. If we know anymore, we'll keep you updated. But for now we would like to urge Jeb Bush to get his s*** together.

Franken Race

2008-11-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Star Tribune just updated the precinct results and so far Al Franken is down by 7 points, but very few have reported. It's too close to call as of right now, but we think the cold has gotten tot he heads of Minnesota residents at the northernmost part of the state. We're keeping our hopes alive that laughs and common sense will return to Washington in January. Keep checking back for updates.

Franken At-Large

2008-11-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-Chief

As many of you know the magazine has been out of commission since July. To start we'd like to apologize for this, but since we fund it out of our pockets we lost the FTP server until recently.

Here I am tonight, Election Night 2008, to announce the projected victories of each candidate. We have plenty of red states, plenty of blue states, a few purple and still an absence of rainbow, which I don't believe has been represented fairly in this election.

If the magazine were in publication we would have endorsed Sen. Obama simply because of his ears. There's so many things graphically we can do with those. Seriously though, we do believe he is the candidate of change, only because he's a different color than most presidents. I think Teddy Roosevelt was red, but don't take my word for it. We also would have endorsed Al Franken in the Minnesota Senate race. We think his songs are funny.

As of right now, the Minnesota Star Tribune doesn't have an update for the race, but we will keep you posted on the updates. Keep checking back and look for the triumphant return of the funniest magazine by accident.

Here for: dating, serious relationships, but mostly revenge

2008-06-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

by Chris Schlichting
i see that my xgirlfriend (we'll call her "julie") recently just got married to a guy she met on myspace (we'll call him "mike brody"). i honestly thought i would be in the wedding given the fact that they literally met on my myspace page. it didnt take much for me to figure out something was going on. they would celebrate anniverseries by returing back to where they first met and flirt back and forth on my myspace wall.

all im saying is i should at the very least be a groomsmen, along with tom, a crapy band that will soon be performing in same zip code they live in, and maybe a few pedifilers. and she can have the girls in the match.com adds as bridesmaids.

as puinshment though for their myspace TOMfoolery, they will no longer be my top friends, i will not do any of their surveys anymore, and i will no longer read any of their bullentins or blogs even if they do have catching subject titles like "In your face Chris Schlichting!"
for the record, i am not jealous because i know what shes doing. this is just a rebound wedding.

i wish them love, and happiness, and good internet service.

you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch: Chris Schlichting

2008-05-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

there is a snake down my basement and it scares me double time because there are already a bunch of spiders down there. so now i feel that the longer i let the snake situation go unresolved the more likelihood that the snake and spider will meet, become friends, and then join sides. it is also inevitible that the snake and spiders will eventually become lovers and then produce a offspring of web-slinging snakes ("spikes"), or snakes with 8 legs ("snaders").

eventually i will build up my courage and head down my basement with the only known weapon that defeats the new species....a rabbi blessed katana blade with a blue green handle. i will hear the scurrying around of snaders, but also the slithering of spikes. in my head, i say,

"fuck.....mixed baby breeds,"

but then to show coinfidence, dominace, and lack of respect, i will say aloud,

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

and with that remark, like a biljillion snaders and spikes appear, including mother snake, who shows up like 10 seconds later for dramatic effect.

and then after quickly calculating my odds and becoming a tad bit worried, i regain composure and say something real calm and cool like,

"is it tuesday already?"

and then i cauk my sword like a shotgun, which makes you wonder just what kind of enchanted weapon is this. and just as the creatures postion themselves to strike, the lights go out.

complete darkness.

did someone order a triple phobia with cheese? not me, because i am lactose intolerant.

all that is now seen is the outside of the door that leads to the basement and all that is heard coming from the basment is the sound of a swinging katana blade, shotgun blasts, blood and guts splattering, grunts and groans, trumpets playing softly, and a single baby giggling wildly.

then...

silence....

(close up on basement door knob slowly turning) i emerge badly brusied and scraped, barely standing, but nevertheless, still standing. i pull out a cigarette and lite it with a zippo lighter that has the engravment, "Snake Charmer."

focus then returns to bottom of stairs to reveal barely alive mother snake. she has my shotswordgun and is pointing it at my back. i hear the calk, but interupt the shooting of me with the phrase,

"hey mother snake, ya wanna know what the most fucked up part about this whole situation is... first off, apparently you are taking the time to listen to what i have to say, and two... you may now know my phopia, but i think i have a good idea what yours is....."

mother snake then says with a lisp,

"oh yeah, what'sssss that?"

i then drop my zippo on a convenient stream of gasoline that conveniently leads right to mother snake. she explodes. close up on my lips as i say,

"me, you fuckin snake bitch."

roll credits

From the stage: Travis Lipski

2008-05-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Here's the update:

I got a call for a headline gig in Iowa, private party, knowing the booker and the fact that he's seen me twice, I feel good about it and put maximum effort in to preparing.

I get there and immediately realize this will suck, I'm performing for the Yacht Club.
Conservative ass bags, they said they wanted an R rated show, what they wanted was an R rated Larry the CG.

Old guy yells out "Sex!" I ask him how can he can have sex, I know there is Viagra, but how do you get the other person to tolerate it without throwing up when his old gray wrinkly body climbs on her?

Nothin'!

I proceed with no laughs and they pull the plug after 5-10, I call the booker, leave message that I intend to cash the check.

No reply.

I put the check in the bank and now I'll wait for it to clear, if it doesn't I'll be pissed but for now, it was an all expense paid misunderstanding(they put me up in a good hotel) so such is life.
Last week at open mic I made a Jew cry, really, not a girl - a full grown man(college student) the chair of the Bradley Jew Klan (probably not the name of it).

"The holocaust, of course it was tragic..........Hitler didn't get the chance to finish the job."

I didn't start out with that but due to a hyper-PC reactionary party of five, I went over the edge.
I was about to make a point that the Zionist overlords don't say shit about the African Holocaust going on right now and that all Africa gets is George -fucking-Clooney.

The table of five Jews promptly left without tipping and slammed the door on the way out, each one of them.
I can not help but feel that if there were a sign stating that each slamming of the door requires a surcharge of 15 cents, they would have closed it softly.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Comedy Corner Comics

2008-05-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome all! Here we will feature blogs from comedians who contribute to Comedy Corner Magazine. Let your friends know and be sure to check back often. Sign-up for our mailing list, comedy-corner@hotmail.com, to get continual updates from the magazine focused on the funny. Also check out http://www.comedycorneronline.com/ the first week in June to see our first issue. Thanks and keep 'em laughin'!

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