F*** too close to call

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

In the Presidential race they're calling some states too close to call. I'm going out on a limb and calling those states for the candidates. 

Sen. Barack Obama is leading Sen. John McCain by two points in Virginia with 91 percent of the precincts reporting. I'm calling Virginia for Obama. The cotton picking state that led the confederacy to its timely demise is finally progressing into the 20th Century (yes, I know it's the 21st) and electing a black man into office. 

Missouri, who has never lost an election, is leaning McCain by three points with under half the precincts reporting. I'm calling it for McCain. A bitter man wins, but its a bitter defeat for traditionally deciding swing state. Indiana I will also put in the McCain column for the evening, but that's because nobody liked Reggie Miller, who vaugely resembles Obama. Who said celebrity look-alikes never decided an election, right Tina Fey? 

California just went to Obama. I have one thing to tell the Governator: You should have pumped it up at the polls. With that, the media elite is calling for Obama to be the next President of the United States. 284 electoral votes for Obama to 146 for McCain spells victory, but it's not AP Style. 

However, we still need to keep a level head because it may change. The spelling may look accurate, but the math still seems to be off. 

As for Al Franken, it is, unfortunately, too close to call. Can't win 'em all.