you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch: Chris Schlichting

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

there is a snake down my basement and it scares me double time because there are already a bunch of spiders down there. so now i feel that the longer i let the snake situation go unresolved the more likelihood that the snake and spider will meet, become friends, and then join sides. it is also inevitible that the snake and spiders will eventually become lovers and then produce a offspring of web-slinging snakes ("spikes"), or snakes with 8 legs ("snaders").

eventually i will build up my courage and head down my basement with the only known weapon that defeats the new species....a rabbi blessed katana blade with a blue green handle. i will hear the scurrying around of snaders, but also the slithering of spikes. in my head, i say,

"fuck.....mixed baby breeds,"

but then to show coinfidence, dominace, and lack of respect, i will say aloud,

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

and with that remark, like a biljillion snaders and spikes appear, including mother snake, who shows up like 10 seconds later for dramatic effect.

and then after quickly calculating my odds and becoming a tad bit worried, i regain composure and say something real calm and cool like,

"is it tuesday already?"

and then i cauk my sword like a shotgun, which makes you wonder just what kind of enchanted weapon is this. and just as the creatures postion themselves to strike, the lights go out.

complete darkness.

did someone order a triple phobia with cheese? not me, because i am lactose intolerant.

all that is now seen is the outside of the door that leads to the basement and all that is heard coming from the basment is the sound of a swinging katana blade, shotgun blasts, blood and guts splattering, grunts and groans, trumpets playing softly, and a single baby giggling wildly.

then...

silence....

(close up on basement door knob slowly turning) i emerge badly brusied and scraped, barely standing, but nevertheless, still standing. i pull out a cigarette and lite it with a zippo lighter that has the engravment, "Snake Charmer."

focus then returns to bottom of stairs to reveal barely alive mother snake. she has my shotswordgun and is pointing it at my back. i hear the calk, but interupt the shooting of me with the phrase,

"hey mother snake, ya wanna know what the most fucked up part about this whole situation is... first off, apparently you are taking the time to listen to what i have to say, and two... you may now know my phopia, but i think i have a good idea what yours is....."

mother snake then says with a lisp,

"oh yeah, what'sssss that?"

i then drop my zippo on a convenient stream of gasoline that conveniently leads right to mother snake. she explodes. close up on my lips as i say,

"me, you fuckin snake bitch."

roll credits