Franken defeated, not without contest

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

In one of the closest races in Minnesota history, Al Franken lost to incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 1,000 votes, however, Franken gets a recount.

I would like to urge the popular talk show host not to take the recount. Why? Because it's like having a two night show and then asking the heckler from the first night to come back for another round.

Just because you might have some zingers that you thought of off stage doesn't mean you should give the opposition a chance to strengthen their position either. You had your chance and it didn't go your way. These things happens. It's a tough break, but you'll have your opportunity to increase your presence and next time you'll be ready.

Buck up Franken, do you really want to be a sore loser?

Critical Counties

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Minnesota Senate race has come down to two key counties for an Al Franken victory. 

Cass county has less than half of the precincts reporting in the Senate race that could be a key win for wit and Pine county now has a little more than half already in. 

Franken trails incumbent Norm Coleman by approximately 10,000 votes and no one is laughing just yet. I, however, must say that it looks pretty wrapped up. I don't think, even with only 83 percent of the precincts reporting, our jovial critic of the ridiculous right is going to pull this one out. 

We have to call Minnesota for Coleman. We do hope for a Dewey defeats Truman projection, but we can't give our candidate the win even with this tight of a race. 

As all comics know, when the material isn't working, it's time to say goodnight and gracefully leave the stage. 

Funny not synonymous with politics

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

As we head into a new age of politics, all men are finally quasi-officially created equal by electing a black man to the highest office of in the land. Comedy, however, has taken a nasty hit. 

Stephen Colbert, the beloved conservative parodist, has not gained a single vote in South Carolina. This may not come as a surprise to many voters, but it has distressed those who think comedy should cross media and enter politics. We blame Doritos for not doing their part in properly getting out the vote. As a snack chip mogul, you should have done your part and urged your consumers to vote with a sense of humor. 

The Sen. John McCain loss is a detriment to "Saturday Night Live." They were hard at work financing and building a robot to replicate McCains mannerisms because no man is that stiff. All that time and money spent to tickle the funny bones of Americans has gone to waste, much like the money given to the banksin the bailout. The voters have been screwed---twice. 

Tina Fey will have to wait four more years to play Gov. Sarah Palin. I feel sorry for Fey because I'm sure it took a lot of alcohol and drugs to match the I.Q. level of the Alaskan Governor. I guess she'll just have to focus on her Emmy winning series "30 Rock" now. 

And Al Franken hasn't taken Minnesota by storm just yet. The story there is the Dean Barkley factor. 

Barkley has a bite by taking 16 percent of the vote in Minnesota making it a nail biter in the Senate race. We almost called it for Franken's opponent, Republican Norm Coleman, but Franken has the lead by a little over 1,000 votes. 

We can sum tonight up in one sentence. Comedy has suffered a tragedy, but we hear laughs at the end of the tunnel.  

 

F*** too close to call

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

In the Presidential race they're calling some states too close to call. I'm going out on a limb and calling those states for the candidates. 

Sen. Barack Obama is leading Sen. John McCain by two points in Virginia with 91 percent of the precincts reporting. I'm calling Virginia for Obama. The cotton picking state that led the confederacy to its timely demise is finally progressing into the 20th Century (yes, I know it's the 21st) and electing a black man into office. 

Missouri, who has never lost an election, is leaning McCain by three points with under half the precincts reporting. I'm calling it for McCain. A bitter man wins, but its a bitter defeat for traditionally deciding swing state. Indiana I will also put in the McCain column for the evening, but that's because nobody liked Reggie Miller, who vaugely resembles Obama. Who said celebrity look-alikes never decided an election, right Tina Fey? 

California just went to Obama. I have one thing to tell the Governator: You should have pumped it up at the polls. With that, the media elite is calling for Obama to be the next President of the United States. 284 electoral votes for Obama to 146 for McCain spells victory, but it's not AP Style. 

However, we still need to keep a level head because it may change. The spelling may look accurate, but the math still seems to be off. 

As for Al Franken, it is, unfortunately, too close to call. Can't win 'em all.  

Laughing to the Capital

With 10 percent of the precincts reporting it is still too close to call, but Al Franken has a four point lead. Their common sense has finally thawed out and the bigger counties are starting to go to the former Saturday Night Live writer and current talk show host. Who said radio is dead? 

Unfortunately, Stephen Colbert still has no votes in South Carolina where Sen. John McCain is projected to win. But we believe Doritos voter intimidation will work in the western part of the state. Colbert may still have a chance, but Obama's presence is no longer felt in the Palmetto State. 

Texas went to McCain, but Obama took Ohio by surprise becoming the lead Buckeye. Unlike Ohio, Florida, which still has not learned from its past mistakes, is still too close to call. Apparently, the polling places are in retirement homes and the Alzheimers patients forgot how to fill out the ballots. If we know anymore, we'll keep you updated. But for now we would like to urge Jeb Bush to get his s*** together. 

Franken Race

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-chief

The Star Tribune just updated the precinct results and so far Al Franken is down by 7 points, but very few have reported. It's too close to call as of right now, but we think the cold has gotten tot he heads of Minnesota residents at the northernmost part of the state. We're keeping our hopes alive that laughs and common sense will return to Washington in January. Keep checking back for updates. 

Franken At-Large

Tim Bearden

Editor-in-Chief

As many of you know the magazine has been out of commission since July. To start we'd like to apologize for this, but since we fund it out of our pockets we lost the FTP server until recently. 

Here I am tonight, Election Night 2008, to announce the projected victories of each candidate. We have plenty of red states, plenty of blue states, a few purple and still an absence of rainbow, which I don't believe has been represented fairly in this election. 

If the magazine were in publication we would have endorsed Sen. Obama simply because of his ears. There's so many things graphically we can do with those. Seriously though, we do believe he is the candidate of change, only because he's a different color than most presidents. I think Teddy Roosevelt was red, but don't take my word for it. We also would have endorsed Al Franken in the Minnesota Senate race. We think his songs are funny. 

As of right now, the Minnesota Star Tribune doesn't have an update for the race, but we will keep you posted on the updates. Keep checking back and look for the triumphant return of the funniest magazine by accident.