Wednesday, May 21, 2008

you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch: Chris Schlichting

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

there is a snake down my basement and it scares me double time because there are already a bunch of spiders down there. so now i feel that the longer i let the snake situation go unresolved the more likelihood that the snake and spider will meet, become friends, and then join sides. it is also inevitible that the snake and spiders will eventually become lovers and then produce a offspring of web-slinging snakes ("spikes"), or snakes with 8 legs ("snaders").

eventually i will build up my courage and head down my basement with the only known weapon that defeats the new species....a rabbi blessed katana blade with a blue green handle. i will hear the scurrying around of snaders, but also the slithering of spikes. in my head, i say,

"fuck.....mixed baby breeds,"

but then to show coinfidence, dominace, and lack of respect, i will say aloud,

"you've been a busy girl you dirty bitch."

and with that remark, like a biljillion snaders and spikes appear, including mother snake, who shows up like 10 seconds later for dramatic effect.

and then after quickly calculating my odds and becoming a tad bit worried, i regain composure and say something real calm and cool like,

"is it tuesday already?"

and then i cauk my sword like a shotgun, which makes you wonder just what kind of enchanted weapon is this. and just as the creatures postion themselves to strike, the lights go out.

complete darkness.

did someone order a triple phobia with cheese? not me, because i am lactose intolerant.

all that is now seen is the outside of the door that leads to the basement and all that is heard coming from the basment is the sound of a swinging katana blade, shotgun blasts, blood and guts splattering, grunts and groans, trumpets playing softly, and a single baby giggling wildly.

then...

silence....

(close up on basement door knob slowly turning) i emerge badly brusied and scraped, barely standing, but nevertheless, still standing. i pull out a cigarette and lite it with a zippo lighter that has the engravment, "Snake Charmer."

focus then returns to bottom of stairs to reveal barely alive mother snake. she has my shotswordgun and is pointing it at my back. i hear the calk, but interupt the shooting of me with the phrase,

"hey mother snake, ya wanna know what the most fucked up part about this whole situation is... first off, apparently you are taking the time to listen to what i have to say, and two... you may now know my phopia, but i think i have a good idea what yours is....."

mother snake then says with a lisp,

"oh yeah, what'sssss that?"

i then drop my zippo on a convenient stream of gasoline that conveniently leads right to mother snake. she explodes. close up on my lips as i say,

"me, you fuckin snake bitch."

roll credits

From the stage: Travis Lipski

Here's the update:

I got a call for a headline gig in Iowa, private party, knowing the booker and the fact that he's seen me twice, I feel good about it and put maximum effort in to preparing.

I get there and immediately realize this will suck, I'm performing for the Yacht Club.
Conservative ass bags, they said they wanted an R rated show, what they wanted was an R rated Larry the CG.

Old guy yells out "Sex!" I ask him how can he can have sex, I know there is Viagra, but how do you get the other person to tolerate it without throwing up when his old gray wrinkly body climbs on her?

Nothin'!

I proceed with no laughs and they pull the plug after 5-10, I call the booker, leave message that I intend to cash the check.

No reply.

I put the check in the bank and now I'll wait for it to clear, if it doesn't I'll be pissed but for now, it was an all expense paid misunderstanding(they put me up in a good hotel) so such is life.
Last week at open mic I made a Jew cry, really, not a girl - a full grown man(college student) the chair of the Bradley Jew Klan (probably not the name of it).

"The holocaust, of course it was tragic..........Hitler didn't get the chance to finish the job."

I didn't start out with that but due to a hyper-PC reactionary party of five, I went over the edge.
I was about to make a point that the Zionist overlords don't say shit about the African Holocaust going on right now and that all Africa gets is George -fucking-Clooney.

The table of five Jews promptly left without tipping and slammed the door on the way out, each one of them.
I can not help but feel that if there were a sign stating that each slamming of the door requires a surcharge of 15 cents, they would have closed it softly.

Give my regards to Broadway.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Comedy Corner Comics


Welcome all! Here we will feature blogs from comedians who contribute to Comedy Corner Magazine. Let your friends know and be sure to check back often. Sign-up for our mailing list, comedy-corner@hotmail.com, to get continual updates from the magazine focused on the funny. Also check out http://www.comedycorneronline.com/ the first week in June to see our first issue. Thanks and keep 'em laughin'!
Also check out our MySpace page: www.MySpace.com/comedycorner