Prosectuting Phelps

By Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Michael Phelps, say it ain't so!

You apologized? Really? You're a gold medal Olympian, who was caught relaxing after a tough two years of training and you apologized for having a little "me and Mary Jane time?"

In my eyes, you had nothing to apologize for. More than half the country has at least tried pot once. You're not a headline, you're a statistic.

But now you must make another apology Phelps. You must apologize to 97 percent of the 26,000 CNBC viewers who are in favor of more lenient marijuana laws.

You have to apologize to the folks at High Times for losing a potential spokesperson. You can only print so many copies with Snoop Dogg on the cover ya know.

You may have been a cover story if you would have taken the Obama route and said, "Of course I inhaled, that's the point isn't it?" Then you would have been a reefer hero.

But nooo, you had to make your corporate sponsors happy? Otherwise how would you know what time it is without Omega. Hell, you may even wind up swimming naked courtesy Speedo.

So, there's another apology. What about all the women who wanted to see your toned package? Where's the remorse for them?

You've forgotton about this nation's progressive agenda, you have no respect for struggling publications and you've alienated at least half of the world.

In saving you're ass, you've forgotton the big picture of the little guy.

Keeping Warm With Three Legged Race

By Alex Joyce
Contributing Writer and Stand-up comedian

Chilly winter Fridays at the Apollo Theatre on Lincoln may seem rough, but non-stop laughs and some smart and funny sketches will keep you warm and toasty. Three Legged Race’s “Awkward Turtle” show makes it feel like a day at the beach. Definitely a top quality sketch comedy show in an intimate room for an affordable price.

I had seen Three Legged Race perform improv before at Johnny O’Hagan’s Irish Pub. They had all the tools and were quick on their feet then, so I expected them to bring the funny at a sketch show.

They didn’t disappoint.

Fourteen sketches, all got laughs. This is a show that had something for everyone ’s sense of humor.

This is a show with sketches about perverted muppets, amateur burglars, singing German men with mustaches, and a eulogy at a cat funeral. What more could you ask for?

All of the performers bring something to the table. Each of them complimenting the other making the show go smoothly and keeping the audience laughing. Their personalities easily lend themselves to a large cast of memorable characters, and a wide array of accents and personas make an appearance.

I have been to many bad sketch shows. Lots of them. But what's painfully obvious at a bad sketch show is how close it is to being a good one. There are one or two elements not clicking and it drags the whole show down. Not this show.

Three Legged Race have great writing, superb timing, interesting characters, and leave you wanting more. They truly commit to every character and the audience loves them for it. When there is a sketch about Bromance you can’t really half ass it. It came as no surprise they nailed it. A theatrical highlight for me.

The premises alone for the sketches make the show stand out. These aren’t your run of the mill, crazy cabbie, inappropriate co-worker type sketches. Extreme Homeless Makeover, and Tickle Bear stand out as very funny and bizarre enough for you to think about later and wonder “Jesus, how do they come up with this stuff?”

They are out of their minds. It’s a hilarious show that will feed anyone’s comedic appetite. It’s also an educational show; you will learn 17 uses for puke that I’m sure you never thought of.

This is a show that could easily be in a bigger venue in the near future. So, head down to the Apollo through Feb. 27, check these people out and support live comedy.

Alex Joyce hosts an open mic Thursday nights at Johnny O'Hagan's Irish Pub at 9 p.m.

Like this review? Want to see more? Be sure to check out Comedy Corner Magazine this summer. The reason you learned to read.

Show in progress

By Greg Landgraf
Member of Three Legged Race

Really, we’re lucky.

Three Legged Race opens its first sketch show, Awkward Turtle, at the Apollo Theater Studio on Friday at 10:30. That’s a little less than 48 hours away. The week before a show—any show—opens is, well, miserable. Cast and crew are exhausted, everyone’s stressed, and divas have a habit of turning their most diva-tacular.

By any theatrical standard, therefore, we’re in great shape. About the worst thing that’s happened so far is that tonight, the group collectively reached the conclusion that we’re incredibly sick of our closing song.

That’s not a knock against the song. I wrote it, about a year and a half ago, and frankly, it’s pretty darn infectious. So we’ve been rehearsing it for several weeks, but even before that we would sing it to each other as an odd form of greeting. If you come to the show, you’ll enjoy the song, and it will ingrain itself into your brain. (In fact, that’s part of our marketing plan: You’ll find yourself humming it and, well, have to explain yourself.)

We’ve just sung and heard it so much lately, if you hum it to us, you’re probably going to get smacked.

Beyond that, the process has been pleasantly free of drama. The cast, our director, and our understudy/tech person still get along. No one’s gotten injured or blown out vocal cords. Best of all, the show is pretty much ready: We did a run-through tonight with full props and costumes, and the number of glitches could be counted on one hand.

So what is the show actually about? Well, it’s a sketch show, so it’s about a lot of things: depressed dancing bears, cake and racism, Sesame Street, cats both dead and attack-trained, bat mitzvahs, and the love that exists between two guys. The common thread, though, is the hilarity of awkward situations. (The name, incidentally, comes from a hand gesture that can help you get out of any awkward situations: toss up the awkward turtle by putting one hand on top of the other, palms down; then wiggle your thumbs like two stubby little turtle legs; then yell out “Awkward turtle!”; and then get on with your life. People give it to me all the time.)

The show is also, in my decidedly biased opinion, terrifically funny. So I hope you’ll come check it out.

Awkward Turtle runs Friday nights at 10:30 from January 9 through February 27 at the Apollo Studio theater, 2540 N. Lincoln.

Supreme mistake

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

Even the Supreme Court is against the voters.

Yesterday, they made a formal announcement about the request from Attorney General Lisa Madigan to strip helmet head of his powers. They said "Are you kidding? We're invested in this guy too."

Yes, G-Rod still has his power to appoint himself as senator, because he's the only one who will get within 7,000 miles of the job now. Sure the impeachment process has begun, but who knows how long that will take. Where's the special election we were promised? Oh wait, we still have a governor.

Thanks judges, thanks. Way to make it seem like you're not in on pay-to-play too.

There's a viral song that's been going around just in time for the holidays called "Get packin' Rod Blagojevich." It was written by John McHugh and set to the tune of "God rest ye merry, gentleman."

Here it is performed by Dan Bearden:

Blago the lego

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I'm not sure who designed this picture, but it was too hilarious not to post.

Even the toy industry is trying to profit off of G-Rod! That's fine by me though, he's made money off of everything else. What goes around comes around guv.

Foot War in Baghdad

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

To say President George W. Bush is a "shoe-in" for the most hated person in Iraq may be an understatement.

At a joint conference between the president and the Iraqi prime minister, Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, a television journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, took off his shoes and threw them at Bush.

After getting Bush-whacked by the journalist, the prime minister asked for a public apology from Zaidi. The people of Iraq protested and proudly displayed the shoes that nearly walked over Bush.

While it may be something most American journalists would like to do, the statement made by al-Zaidi is something of a powerful one for the view of the U.S. in other parts of the world. We're not a nation of heros anymore, as we've been told to believe. We've become a nation of hypocrites and anti-Indepedence.

Now, that statement qualifies me as an enemy of the state, but it's true. If you look at America's touted Bill of Rights you'll see the Third Amdendment. Anyone remember from 8th grade what that means?

It's the right we have not to board soldiers in our homes against our will. Isn't that what we're doing around the world? North Korea, Somalia, Iraq, Germany, Japan, et. al. have American soldiers stationed within their borders. Of course, we're not forcing ourselves into houses specifically, but the spirit of the right given to American's seems to be violated. We created that doctorine so as not to be policed by the government or the world, but to be free and an independent nation.

Let's hope the "change" we voted for with President-elect Barack Obama, doesn't result in a kick in the face to the American voter. The world has suffered enough at our hands and is now repaying us with flying footwear.

Rod nailed on tape

Tim Bearden
Editor-in-chief

I always thought rods were made of steel, but Illinois' own G-Rod Blagojevich was hammered to the wall this morning on corruption charges.

Things just don't get any better for Illinois politics. Let's do the breakdown, we have George Ryan convicted of corruption charges, three fundraisers who have been indicted or convicted on corruption charges, two Chicago aldermen, one who pled guilty and the other who has yet to be accused of any wrong doing and a Blago in a "political corruption crime spree."

Yes, it's going to be a very Merry Christmas for federal prosecutor Pat Fitzgerald, who has done all but accuse the corrupted reformer candidate of stealing the Christmas tree from little Cindy Who. His gift, any political office he'll ever want.

For Illinois and the governor, a lump of coal and a rude wake-up call from the FBI.

The case dubbed "Operation Board Games" has been under investigation for three years and is, according to the man who's trying to save Springfield, still ongoing. Guess what else happened around that time. G-Rod's re-election.

The smooth operating, rigid quaff wearing politico swore reform when he ran for Ryan's seat in 2002, then his administration went under investigation right before his re-election campaign in 2006 and now is looking at running again under the "I know you are, but what am I" campaign in 2010. While under federal investigation, the people of Illinois re-elected him. Seriously, what were we thinking? Judy Barr Topenka wasn't necessarily the next best thing at the time, but we did have a third option.

The major accusation hanging over superquaffs head is the attempt to sell President-elect Barack Obama's senate seat. The kicker? If the bid wasn't high enough, he was going to take it himself. He even called the highest ranking member of his own party a motherf---er. Smooth.

A couple months before G-Rod's arrest, the Illinois General Assembly passed an Illinois Ethics Bill against "pay-to-play" politics, which he threatened to veto. The original champion of the bill? President-motherf---er Obama. Gee, it makes you wonder why he used such strong adjectives to describe the next commander-in-chief doesn't it? It also just looks bad for the jailbird, who was bailed out faster than the mortgage companies today.

But, if you think he looks stupid on international anti-corruption day, then what do we look like? Sheep, idiots, naive or maybe optimists.

"He doesn't have any real control over what his fundraisers do," we thought.

Maybe those of us who voted for Blago in 2006 should get indicted for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery.

Then again, please don't. Go for the one's who didn't vote for the recall amendment on Nov. 4.